She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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