I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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