she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
