Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
