Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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