she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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