I hate your face
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
