You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
