her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i drank out of a bidet.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
