Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
