He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
