Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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