I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
