Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You took a bar mat shot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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