I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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