Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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