im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
