Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
