Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
