She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
