i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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