my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
