Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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