Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
