Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
