He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
