Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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