if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
