I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
