Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
