from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
