Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
