your thong is hanging out like whoa
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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