our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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