dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
