Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
