my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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