Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
