this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
