i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
