Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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