tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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