I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
