4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
