There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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