I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Randomize
