it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
