I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
