my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
