Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
